A Thousand Things To Say
by Aigerim Lehane
Summary: Jade reflects on her relationship with Tori, but she is proven to be absolutely wrong when a certain half-Latina appears at her door. Warning: contains slight Beck/Tori. Jori endgame.


_Projecting my Delena feels onto my second OTP :) Don't be confused if you notice some familiar things, fellow TVD lovers._

_Also, get "Belong" song by Cary Brothers on the ready, because it's in the suggested soundtrack, and I indicated the exact moment where you should play it for the full feeling:)_

_Enjoy your read, and please let me know what you think in the reviews, that would mean a lot to me!_

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Have you ever hurled a glass into a fireplace?

It looks awesome. The glass shatters in a million pieces, and if you look closely, for a second you can catch the dancing flames reflected in them before fire swallows them, erupting with strength. It's fascinating – watching it create something so magically beautiful as it breaks.

I grabbed another glass, pouring bourbon and taking a slow, thoughtful sip, twirling it around in my mouth and wincing as the sting of alcohol reached the inside of my cheek which I was biting earlier. Guess it was harder than I thought.

You know, this phrase can perfectly summarize my year. I smirked humorlessly, toasting to the hollow living room, back to watching the fire as I got drunk. Because that was the plan.

Get completely shit-faced until I couldn't remember who Tori Vega was.

Ah, dammit. The sneaky brunette slid into my thoughts again, and I squeezed the glass harder, willing myself to stop imagining her in my head. But now that she was in, I was never gonna get her out.

It was supposed to be simple. I hated the girl, she was afraid of me. I liked it that way, I wanted it to stay that way. But then she had to go and start hating me back, and of course my demented brain decided that it was the perfect moment to realize that maybe, just maybe I hated her so much to hide what really was underneath.

Because when you hate someone, usually it's the beginning of a love story, not the end of one.

During our senior year in Hollywood Arts, we actually became sworn enemies, holding no punches back. She finally realized that a gank like me wasn't worthy of her friendship, and I finally realized that Tori Vega had to go, for good, because all those confusing feelings and thoughts in my head were keeping me up at night.

And so the war began, dragging our friends in the middle of it and resulting in many horrible things.

She accidently landed Robbie in hospital when planning a prank on me, you know.

I got Trina kicked out of Hollywood Arts for good, deciding to focus on the ones she loved, because that was where I could hurt her the most.

And then it's Christmas, we're at Beck's party even though both of us weren't invited, and we're drunk and screaming at each other. She hurls a half-empty bottle of vodka at me, I duck and pin her to the door, our breathing heavy, fueled by anger, and the next second we're kissing like our life depends on it, stopping only to rip away the annoying clothes that stood between us.

The hate turns to lust, and as we nod at each other with cold politeness in the hallways, we imagine the angry sex we are sure to be having in janitor's closet during lunch period.

It goes on for days, and days turn into weeks, and somewhere along the lines, I find myself helping her out when she is hit hard with her parents' divorce. As she clings to me at the darkest hour of the night, having run away from home, I listen to her deep breathing, and I realize I never once allowed anyone to stay with me in bed. But here I am, cuddling with the girl I'm supposed to hate, and the only thought in my mind is how unbelievably soft she is.

This night was a breaking point for me, because afterwards, I couldn't bring myself to hurt her anymore. And she noticed.

She noticed and completely misunderstood, because a week later, she shows up at my house, a duffel bag in her hand and her usual perky 'Tori' smile, stating that she's so glad we're are finally _friends_, and now we can put the anger and lust and all the tension behind. And as I see her looking so fucking happy for the first time in _months_, I can't allow myself to ruin it for her by uttering those pathetic three little words that are bubbling in my chest.

Somewhere along the line, I fell hard for Tori Vega, and to say she didn't feel the same would be an understatement.

But it was okay, because now I got to talk to her and open up to her, and as I got a shimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I could get her to fall in love with me, I started to see the way her hand lingered on Beck's arm lately. And then, she's at my house again, looking terrified as she stammers that she's kinda-just-a-little in love with Beck and would it be okay if they went on a date.

As my heart fell to the ground, torn out of my chest, I plastered a fake smile on my face, nodding a little and watching her beam at me, and holy crap it actually _physically_ hurt.

Her first year in college she spent with Beck on her arm, looking so in love and happy, and I gritted my teeth so much I might've gotten a little medical condition. It was just my luck that I went to the same university as they did.

You have no idea how angry I was all the time. And the most pathetic thing? The old me would've just said 'fuck it'. Fuck Beck and his perfect hair, and fuck Tori and her perfect everything. The old me would've destroyed them. I was supposed to take what I wanted, do what I wanted. I was selfish that way.

But it's Tori, and I can't be selfish with her. Seeing them together proved one thing I knew all along. I didn't deserve her, but Beck did. Beck was gentle, understanding, compassionate, everything I couldn't be for her.

And me? I was just there. I was there for her, my chest heavy, because she needed her best friend, and I couldn't deny this girl anything. I was there, giving her advice and being a shoulder to cry on, and let me tell you, being stuck in a friend zone is the most painful thing you can experience.

Her and Beck were soul mates. I was an obstacle to their happiness, first shielding Beck from her, and then getting her to focus only on me and our angry fucking. But they found each other, and all was right with the world. Except it wasn't, because Beck suddenly – or not so suddenly – got an addiction and slowly became a different person. He found new stoner friends, and this together with marijuana Tori occasionally found in their apartment was tearing her apart. And I, like a little lovesick puppy I was, stuck by her side, helping her get Beck back.

And then, I'm at their apartment, having a fight with Beck, just like old times, and he throws an accusation at me that left me with an open mouth.

_"Why do you even want me to get better when you're so fucking desperately in love with my girlfriend?"_

He knew. He knew the entire time, and the way Tori was spending so much time with me was driving him crazy, and he coped in only way he knew how, shutting down and getting an easy way out.

Once again, I'm faced with the realization that I'm not the good one. I make choices that hurt her, and there is no other person in the world that is worse for her than me.

But then Beck gets better and apologizes, and the things are supposed to be looking up. But they are not, because Tori almost got killed by a crazy lunatic that terrorized the campus, and I was the one to save her. And you'd think that I would be glad, but I'm not, because she is swooned by the fact that I was her knight in shining armor, and she's all over me like a cat in heat.

I wanted this for so long, and now, I couldn't enjoy it, because it wasn't real. She was in love with the fact that I saved her, but she wasn't in love with me, and she shouldn't be.

I allowed myself just a tiny moment of weakness. I took advantage of her confused mind and I spend the most incredible night of my life, re-learning everything I remembered about her body.

I prefer to think that this night was our actual first time, because the lust-filled sex we had before never could compare to the tenderness of the lovemaking we experienced.

And then I ran.

Yeah, I know. You can punch me, it's okay. I wished I could punch myself, too.

Call me a coward for all I care, but I wasn't going to stick around and watch her get back with Beck again.

Which brings us to the now, with me hiding in the mansion of my father three states away from Tori.

She'll get over it. I'll get over her. We'll move on with our fucking lives.

This mantra was stuck in my head for three days now, because that's exactly the amount of time I spent here, ignoring Tori's calls. I was surprised to get a few of Beck's, too. We weren't on the best of terms lately, walking around each other on egg shells. I couldn't even pick up the phone when Cat called, even though I desperately wanted to. She was the only one not involved in all the drama, and I wished I could talk to her and tell her everything, but it was very likely that Tori told her everything and was seeking me out through all the channels she could.

Someone knocked on the door, and I jumped, startled. Must be the staff – the gardener had a tendency of forgetting his things in the house.

"Hold your fucking horses! I'm coming!" I snapped at the door as the knocking became more rapid. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with this-

My train of thought halted to a stop as I threw the door open. No, scratch that – my mind was completely blanked as I stared with an open mouth as the person on the other side of the door.

"Are you going to invite me in already? It's freezing out there. Next time you decide to run away, could you pick a warmer destination?"

I wordlessly shift my body, allowing wet and shaking Tori Vega inside.

"Wow, that's one huge house," she whistled, looking around. "How come you never told me about it?"

"Knew it was gonna come in handy one day," I replied quietly. The door shut, and I blinked, composing myself. "How the hell did you find me?"

"Can we relocate the interrogation part of our conversation near the fire?" She asked instead of answering, already making her way to the fireplace. I followed her mutely, watching as she rubbed her hands together, standing near flames, and I had to stop to admire the beauty of the scene before me. She was wet from the rain outside, her damp hair curly and her light jacket doing nothing to warm her up. Her form was lit up by the dim light coming from the fire, and I never have seen a more beautiful sight in my life.

But as she turned with murder in her narrowed eyes, her earlier fake playfulness forgotten, I had to rethink the whole magnificence of it.

"Talk," she ordered curtly. "I'm listening."

I took a couple of steps to the fireplace so we stood on the same line. However, I strategically placed myself two solid meters away from her, not wanting to give in to her inviting warmth. I had to stay strong.

"Nothing to say," I shrugged, never taking my eyes off the fire. I could feel her incredulous gaze at me as I pretended to be nonchalant.

"Really, Jade," she took a tentative step to me, scowling. "You give me the most incredible night in my entire life, and then you run like a coward, not even leaving me a note, no indication where you went!" Her voice rose up a bit at the end as anger took over her body. "And now you stand here, looking all cool and with 'nothing to say'?"

"What do you want me to say? Huh?" I retaliated with anger as well, taking comfort in the familiar hum it spread through my body. "That I'm sorry? That I wanted you to wake up in my arms? That it physically hurt prying myself away from you?" I scowled a bit, looking into fire again. "You think I'm a coward? Fine. But it was the right thing to do, and you know it."

_(suggested music: Cary Brothers - Belong)_

"Abandoning me is the right thing?" She asked, her jaw locked as she tried to figure me out.

"Call it whatever you want Tori, but that doesn't change the truth we both know so well," I looked at her again, my eyes determined. "I'm no good for you. I'm the bad guy, remember? I'm selfish, and I have too many issues for you to handle, and I just can't pile it up on you." I took a deep breath. "And even if I was, it wouldn't matter anyway. Because I'm not the one for you, Tori," I felt rage build up in me again as she just watched me with her angry chocolate eyes, not flinching. "You don't have any feelings for me besides wanting me to be your friend. You're just confusing the feeling of gratitude with you liking me. Soon, you'll realize that, and you'll be back to Beck, because he's _right _for you. He's the one you need. The one you love."

And it was the truth. She was just fooling herself, thinking she was into me when in reality, she was in love with him. How do I know that?

Never once in our entire history with each other did she mention that she is falling for me. The big scary L word never made it past her full lips.

With Beck, she uttered it on their first date. With me, as I sat near her in hospital, and as she appeared on my doorstep back in college, all she said was 'You confuse me, Jade, and I'm glad you do,' before she attacked me with her lips. And well, I'm only human.

"Maybe he is the one I need."

I snap my head at her, jaw locked as I study her face. I fucking knew it.

"You know what, maybe he is," she said, the frown on her delicate features. "But he's not the one I _want. _And don't you _dare_ tell me what I feel," she scowled at me, the anger radiating off of her. "You think you know me so well, and you do, but right now, your head is so far up your ass, I swear-" she stopped herself, taking a deep breath before continuing more calmly. "You couldn't be farther from the truth even if you wanted to, Jade. Because those feelings didn't just _magically_ appear on the night you saved me – they've been brewing for so long, and the only thing that happened that night is me finally putting the pieces together."

What is she saying? She can't be saying what I think she is saying.

She takes another step forward, careful, like approaching a caged animal.

"I get what you're thinking, trust me, I do. I've been thinking that you were just using me, too, and I never allowed myself to feel anything other than hate to you. It was sex, and some good sex at that, but that was it, it had to be it. And in my senior year at high school, I also couldn't be further from truth when I convinced myself that the safe choice was better." She smiled sadly, her eyes going softer for just a second. "Beck didn't deserve any of it, but I dragged him in the middle of it, shielding myself from you, because suddenly you were so gentle and good with me, and I had to find a way out. But you just had to go and stay there for me through all the crap I put you through, didn't you? You just had to be your amazing self," she shook her head slightly at that, and my head was swamped with questions as I stared at her, confused.

"You are right about some things," she continued, staring hard into my eyes. "You are selfish. You're rough, and sometimes you're just downright evil. Remember how you got Trina to leave Hollywood Arts? How you cut up Rex, devastating Robbie? How you so desperately wanted me gone, putting my life in danger _so _many times," she chuckled humorlessly, taking a small, almost nonexistent step forward. "And you know what? If I had a chance to do it all over again, I would, no questions asked, because it got me to this moment, here with _you."_

It can't be happening. She can't be saying this, because if that means what I think it means, there is no going back.

"And I'm sorry that I landed Robbie in hospital. I'm sorry that we tore our group apart, I'm sorry that Trina got kicked out, and I'm sorry we pushed Beck to drugs, but I would do it a thousand times more, because I am not sorry, that I'm in love with you!"

My chest erupted with flames as my face twisted in shock, and she is gazing back at me with so much tenderness I want to cry and laugh.

"I love you, Jade," she whispers softly, and again, almost inaudible, as I take two long strides toward her, catching her face in my hands as I'm kissing her with everything I have.

The demons in my head howl at me, screaming all the things I fear so much when I'm around her. You're nothing to her. You're worthless. You're setting up yourself to be hurt.

And you know what, maybe I am, but right now, I couldn't care less as I was kissing the girl I loved with all my being, and she was kissing me back. And as I felt the saltiness of my own tears, I squeezed her even closer to my chest, caressing her lips with mine. I didn't care if she would leave me as everyone before her, I didn't care if she was going to break my heart, and I didn't care that this might prove to be the worst choice I ever made, because in the end, Tori was worth it. She was worth all the fear, and heartbreak, and pain, and as she eagerly returned the kiss, holding me so gently, I allowed myself to hope that maybe she thought the same about me.

Sometimes, you have to make the worst choices, because sometimes, that will turn out to be the best mistake you ever made.


End file.
